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I wish a god DID exist!

In the Christian denomination I was raised in, a personal relationship with Jesus was encouraged. In fact, once you had accepted the doctrine of the church, your relationship with the Divine was your only priority.
Nevermind that the doctrinal issues could pose a serious impediment to this relationship, but that's another blog.
For the first time since my trek into atheism and away from Christianity, I wish there was a personal god. The idea of god I had in my mind was one of a loving paternal father-figure who was genuinely and personally interested in the minutest details of my life. He cared for everything about me from what I chose to eat to who I chose to marry. And he wanted to talk to me about it whenever I chose to engage him.
Unfortunately, the idea of him talking to me was just that: an idea. When you've invested 30 years into a relationship, allowing this relationship to play a significant role in your decision-making and self-perception, you'd expect reciprocity at the most important junctures in life. My most important juncture happened to be a divorce. Silence is not golden when a 30-year devotion is repaid with a huge letdown... it was all one-sided.
Needless to say, I have since struggled with abandonment issues. I was abandoned by a father-god who never existed in the first place. Talk about post-traumatic stress disorder. Another innate hazard of religion.
Those who still believe would say that my faith could sustain me. But a mental ascent to someone else's idea of divinity leaves me empty. I wish I could believe! How comforting to "know" that an all-powerful being had my best interest in mind and was preparing to rescue me from this world of suffering, who was waiting for just the right moment to sweep me away into paradise! My daily struggles with relationships, heartache, disappointment, pain and illness would melt away into hope and anticipation. Hmmmm... I can see how this whole religion thing got started in the first place.
But somehow reality will have to suffice. Ultimately I think I will be more satisfied knowing I've found happiness without fairy tales. It's a process, though, since this is all new to me. Is this part of my spiritual journey? Spiritual evolution? I obviously do not have all the answers, but I'll keep you posted on my progress... if there is any.
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Over the last year, i too have come to a higher understanding of religion and God, and the powers that ultimately had something to do with the reason i am here. Spiritually evolving- I couldn't put it any better. Now i feel that I too am facing some big issues with this. Like a child who first finds out there is no santa clause. I too have abandonment issues, and wish i could naively go back to the state of mind where i thought i had a purpose in this life, or that life did exist after this one. How hard it is to know the truth about things and realize you have wasted an entire lifetime in believing in something that has now proven to be another mythological story of the Gods just recreating itself in "our" time. I feel so alone with the thought the heartache and hurt that i feel, is exactly that, and holds no meaning to anything otherwise. And for some reason, hurt is felt ten times worse then what it normally would be considering i know this now. Really, its very ironic to know that even though i didn't give my self life, i have the power to take it away, and never know of its existence, or of this lifetime when its gone because that's simply what it will be, nothingness, or a recreations of something that lacks the inability to reason and think on a level that makes you aware of feeling and emotion. Its just all so very much to take in and makes the hard times even harder to deal with. I know there is no going back to the way things were, and for some stupid reason i feel like i would find some comfort walking into a church, praying to a god that doesn't exist and letting myself get lost again in a fairytale world just to feel sane again. I don't know how your doing it, did it, or are going to do it in the future, but some insight and guidance from someone who has been here would be much appreciated.
I was raised in Assembly of God Churches. My personal relationship with Jesus was enhanced by the fact that I can hear voices. Not Jesus or God, mind you. But voices...anyway. I was wondering how your journey was going so far and hopefully sending out a WOOT of encouragement with my interest. Also, I am not much familiar with how forums work, so I hope I am not posting in an inappropriate place. And I hope my spelling is, for the most part, correct.