I wish a god DID exist!

In the Christian denomination I was raised in, a personal relationship with Jesus was encouraged. In fact, once you had accepted the doctrine of the church, your relationship with the Divine was your only priority.

Nevermind that the doctrinal issues could pose a serious impediment to this relationship, but that's another blog.

For the first time since my trek into atheism and away from Christianity, I wish there was a personal god. The idea of god I had in my mind was one of a loving paternal father-figure who was genuinely and personally interested in the minutest details of my life. He cared for everything about me from what I chose to eat to who I chose to marry. And he wanted to talk to me about it whenever I chose to engage him.

Unfortunately, the idea of him talking to me was just that: an idea. When you've invested 30 years into a relationship, allowing this relationship to play a significant role in your decision-making and self-perception, you'd expect reciprocity at the most important junctures in life. My most important juncture happened to be a divorce. Silence is not golden when a 30-year devotion is repaid with a huge letdown... it was all one-sided.

Needless to say, I have since struggled with abandonment issues. I was abandoned by a father-god who never existed in the first place. Talk about post-traumatic stress disorder. Another innate hazard of religion.

Those who still believe would say that my faith could sustain me. But a mental ascent to someone else's idea of divinity leaves me empty. I wish I could believe! How comforting to "know" that an all-powerful being had my best interest in mind and was preparing to rescue me from this world of suffering, who was waiting for just the right moment to sweep me away into paradise! My daily struggles with relationships, heartache, disappointment, pain and illness would melt away into hope and anticipation. Hmmmm... I can see how this whole religion thing got started in the first place.

But somehow reality will have to suffice. Ultimately I think I will be more satisfied knowing I've found happiness without fairy tales. It's a process, though, since this is all new to me. Is this part of my spiritual journey? Spiritual evolution? I obviously do not have all the answers, but I'll keep you posted on my progress... if there is any.